Archive for September, 2007

safe sex and german engineering


OMG CSi was right!
so now that my entire understanding of the universe has done a one eighty, and i’ve come to terms with it. . .

as everyone who knows me knows, i have the biggest hard-on ever for cheesy crime drama and zombies. . . not necessarily in that order or at the same time(though that would be hot). . . . but i digress, my point is that not everything they show on CSI is bogus, featured on tonight’s season premier of CSI: New York. . . this amazing new feat of German engineering (see image f-me69)

that’s right people, safe sex can now be brought to you in a nifty looking aerosol can! and of coarse by safe i mean hasn’t quite been tested to any sort of standards and is not yet available to consumers. . .

i just have to say that i have a whole new respect for German scientists, who, it seams, have moved past the personal get pack pipe-dream and have started focusing on something useful!

but it gets better!
while this new invention is currently being marketed as an aerosol can, there is apparently talk about an ‘all encompassing’ design. . . i got this quote from a questionably reputable source (aka some condom consultant)

“It works by spraying on latex from nozzles on all sides,” he said. “We call it the ‘360 degree procedure’ – once round and from top to bottom. It’s a bit like a car wash.”

apparently this design has something to do with inserting the penis into a pressurized container of some sort. . . i don’t have a penis, but if i did, not only would it be the biggest in the world, but i am not sure i would want it inserted into anything with a ‘contents under pressure’ warning on it.

what i like most about the current can design is that if a guy absolutely insists on not wearing protection, the can itself is conveniently shaped for proving just how much you don’t care about his pleasure.

further questions of interest: 1) does it wash off? peal off? i am curious about that. 2) wouldn’t there be some sort of health ramifications for the sexual partner if it didn’t dry completely before penetration? i mean honestly, could you really make some drunk guy wait a minute to let it dry when it’s hard enough to convince them to stop and put on a real condom in the first place? more trouble than it’s worth i am thinkin! 3) does it come flavoured? ribbed for her pleasure? or any of the other traditional condom styles?

i would like to point out at this juncture in time that i am aware that i giggle way too much at matters of sexual health. (see previous post on action packed pregnancy testing)

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September 27, 2007 at 11:37 3 comments

i am having issues

writing problems, i hate them, but there they are, bothering the hell out of me all the time.

there are times where i can get an assignment and have a ready to hand in 2 page paper within an hour or two. . . and then there are nights like these, when i have a very good thesis floating around my brain that just doesn’t seam to want to come quietly and take it’s place on the paper.

and as we can tell from that last paragraph my thesis isn’t the only though that refuses to come out right.

i think my logic exam took a lot out of me this morning.
it was kind of multiple choice, which should have been easy, just a bunch of short arguments in which we had to identify antecedent, consequence and major premise, then state whether it was valid or invalid depending on whether or not the premise. . . . blah blah blah I’ve gone cross eyed. . . anyways, most of my answers used the same formula, and i don’t know if i fucked up or if he wrote it that way to try and fuck us up.

. . . long story short, i am blaming that for my current writer’s block for as many illogical reasons as i can find just to spite it.

IN OTHER NEWS:

does anyone agree that taking your boyfriend to a ‘crab shack’ and then refusing to be photographed with him is a really cruel way to tell him you’ve figured out his secret?

god. . . even (perhaps especially) that was lame

September 18, 2007 at 09:58 3 comments

and then a bird shit on me

welcome to the official log of pocket buddha’s terrible, no good, horrible, very bad day.

disclaimer: the following post is just a huge bitch fest, it may or may not make any sense, and anyone reading may or may not care, i am just putting it out there.

it all started at about 6 am, i rolled out of bed and called my dad’s house. (i’ve been having printer set up issues and have been using my dad’s as he lives a few blocks away and on my way to the bus stop) My brother answered the phone, ‘brother’ i said ‘tell dad when he gets out of the shower that i need him to open up his e-mail so i can print off an assignment i sent him when i get there’.
now, anyone who has siblings, younger, older, it doesn’t seem to matter, but anyone who has siblings can tell you that entrusting my little brother with this task was my first mistake of the day.

when i got there a half hour later, after finding out that my favorite pair of pants have an unexplainable tear over the right rear pocket, i just caught my father as he was leaving the house.
‘father’ i said ‘did you open up your e mail so i can print off my assignment?’
‘what assignment?’ he said to me.
after letting out a frustrated groan i took a deep breath and shook it off. . . and i think if you ask around you would know that my shaking off anything doesn’t really happen very often and should therefore be taken as a good sign right?

wrong. my father, being a very helpful man, apparently didn’t have the time to go into the house and let me print, but he did have the time to offer me a ride to school, which is in the opposite direction he needed to go.
but, when i got there with an hour and a half until my first class i had plenty of time to find a computer and printer that i could get to so early in the morning and print my assignment, not to mention the thousand other things i had intended on getting done that day.

my second mistake of the day was forgetting that i am an idiot.

i forgot my wallet, so exchanging the usb cable to get my own printer up and running was out of the picture. also in my wallet was my student id, something they apparently want you to have when you ask to use a printer, which is news to me, i always thought it was just for taking things out of the library. and most of all i forgot my pen, so the homework i was planning on finishing up before class was a lost cause, which is fine because the time slot i had for this activity was taken up by me back tracking across campus to find out where i put my binder down.

when i finally did find a computer i could use without anyone bugging me. there was no printer. so in the ‘there’s twenty minutes until my class’ mentality i simply attached it to an e mail and sent it to my prof with a long apology for the unexpected e mail and that i would print him a hard copy for class on friday.

i guess that wasn’t good enough because i got a sharp reply within a few minutes telling me that assignments submitted that way would not be accepted again and that there were printers available for my use in the library. . . . another frustrated groan. . . a deep breath. . . i had just enough time for a well deserved cigarette before class.

and then a bird shit on me.

on top of all that, i found more information on the ‘people i thought were my friends’ front, and found out from some random stranger who apparently got the impression that i am a snob just because i am smarter than him and i stated as much, that no one else takes me as seriously as i would like to believe. . . not something that would usually phase me, but it was just one of those days. and i was inclined to believe him as i had bird shit on me.

whoever said that the bullshit that happens in high school doesn’t happen in university can suck a big fat cock. because everywhere i look i am either being attacked by people who don’t fucking know me, or stabbed in the back by people i thought i knew.

i think i am all done now. . .

September 13, 2007 at 09:20 2 comments

Don’t save whales, save pandas

roflmao

September 12, 2007 at 12:04 1 comment

writing

i would like to think that i got myself out of my writing jitters with my first writing assigment. i may be bias; acctually i am kind of hoping i havn’t because this is the scale that i will be measured against for the rest of the simester. . . .

‘Thoughts on English literature’
English 100 co5
R. Obrigewitsch

Literature has always gained a lot of my respect in that it seams to be the strongest, and most long lasting of the major art forms. While others may argue with me on this point, and they would be welcome to do so; I have always felt that the intimacy an author has with their reader is what keeps literature a relevant art form. Of coarse, all art forms have their unique attraction; theatre has the added exhilaration of being a shared experience, but is fleeting in that it lasts only within the time and place it was performed. visual art has boundless potential for exploring our physical world, but can lack a clarity that many crave. Literature, on the other hand, has a timeless quality that entices it’s audience to carefully inspect and savour all the different levels and meanings that the author has left behind. The attraction is that this assessment is often done in solitude, giving us the freedom to interpret the author’s words in a very personal way

ok, it may suck, i know, but you try summing up your experience with english literature in one paragraph.

September 12, 2007 at 11:50 2 comments

first day of school

before i say anything, i would like to say to knuckle toes that, yes, i did take time out of my night to lay out my clothes for the first day, and yes i did change my mind five times the next morning before leaving the apartment, so laugh all you want but i looked hot!!

anyways, the first day was lame and glorious all at the same time.
lame because i was lost and overwhelmed for most of the day, but glorious because even though i was lost and overwhelmed i was not sitting in my apartment watching TV wondering if it was too early to go have a beer at local pub. (although i did hit the campus bar and the welcome week beer gardens after class)

i wasn’t joking about the overwhelmed bit though. . . i remember thinking in theatre arts that i was going to die if i worked any harder. . . my theatre coarse load alone this semester is double, and even without a production i have three other classes to juggle with it, all of which are medium to heavy on the work load. . . why i didn’t think to balance it all out with a bogus class like. . . music appreciation or something i’ll never know. (i would, at this point like to apologize to anyone who may want to flame me for that thoughtless joke about music appreciation)

the reason why this is especially overwhelming for me at the moment is that, with all the time i took off school it seams i’ve forgotten how to write ‘good’. by which i mean i am finding that i cannot produce semi-intelligent sounding bullshit at as fast a rate as i used to be able to.

my new/old friend (old acquaintance/new friend) has assured me that it’s like riding a bike.

so, in keeping with that analogy i am going to take a practice lap around the block and write a random 2-3 page essay type dealy before getting started on the papers due a week and a half from now.

somebody give me a topic!! anything, i don’t care, just something.

September 6, 2007 at 13:37 3 comments


What is a Pocket Buddha?

The pocket Buddha is a talisman, whether the pocket is in our mind or our jeans, the pocket Buddha is there to add a touch of Zen to our lives. He smiles from his dark penny and used tissue filled abode and reminds us simultaneously to go with the flow of our lives and to keep our goals, hopes and dreams ahead of us. At least one moment everyday, the satisfaction of a project completed, the taste of a meal we managed to make without burning, the extraordinary patience we somehow managed to show in the most frustrating of times, the pocket Buddha throws us a pocket-lint sized piece of nirvana, and for that I am very grateful.

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