There’s Nothing Wise About Baby Wise

If an adult were in a relationship with someone who told them when and how long to sleep, when and how much to eat, when and how to play with no regard for that persons own autonomy in those matters, it would be considered an abusive relationship.

In general, our society is pretty firm in its belief that no one person should have total control over another sovereign being. wars have been fought about it, and  charters and bills have been written and codified to protect an individuals right to be just that, an individual.

So imagine my utter shock and outrage when I stumbled upon an infant care ‘resource’ called “On Becoming Babywise”. A system of ‘training’ in which parents are urged to rigidly schedule every part of their infants day from the age of 3 weeks on up in an effort to produce behaviours well beyond the physical ability of an infant to comply with.

Never mind all of the medical reasons that an infant shouldn’t be so rigidly scheduled. Never mind that the book heavily relies on the ‘cry it out’ method of ‘sleep training’ which I have already stated my feelings about.

My concern with this system is exactly what I stated above. If being under that much rigid control as an adult is at the very least an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship, and at the most extreme a violation of a persons rights as an individual, why on earth would anyone think that it’s alright to treat a child that way?

Before the comments start rolling in let me clarify. Most children love routine, some, if left to their own devices, will even put themselves on a fairly predictable schedule. Routine can be comforting to children as it gives them the certainty and stability of knowing what comes next. There is absolutely nothing wrong with falling into, or even putting together a loose routine.

Here at the Pocket.Buddha home we have a pretty reliable morning routine, a fairly predictable preamble to bedtime, and most days involve long and short nursing sessions, a nap or 3, breakfast, lunch and dinner, a few chores around the house, a walk to the store to get fresh ingredients for supper and a bit of a play at the park, though not always, and in varying orders.

What I take issues with are statements that completely disregard the needs of the infant for the convenience of the parent. “The mother decides when nap time should start and when it should end”

Statements like this one are offered up in this book with little to no talk about reading your baby’s ques to know when they are tired, when they are hungry, or when they are feeling anything. As best I can tell (full disclosure I could not stomach to read the whole thing so I could be wrong) the author of this book doesn’t seem to take into account that an infant FEELS anything.

So here’s the really burning question. If a child is told when to sleep and when to eat, and when to play; and when their own wants and needs in any given moment are put off or outright ignored for the convenience of others from day 1 (sorry, week 3) and on through potty training, toddler-hood and childhood. What are they being taught about their own self-worth? And even more disturbing, what kind of relationships (with friends, employers, lovers/spouses ect) will they have in the future with this as their model? Is Babywise really a healthy baseline for our children to compare all future interpersonal encounters with?

Books like this and the theories that they are based in bother me to no end because they seem to forget one very important fact.

Our children are human beings, they are not dolls that can be played with only when YOU want to, or pets that need to be trained, most importantly, they are not inconveniences to be managed.

For more information about gentle more baby friendly alternatives to the babywise program and other systems like it you can visit the following sites:

API: Attachment Parenting International

Elizabeth Pantley’s No-Cry Series

Ask Dr. Sears

If you have any gentle parenting resources that have worked for you please share them in the comments section. I would love to add to my link and reading lists.